About a year and half ago, i was talking with one of the professionals working with Marshall about some struggles we were having with his behaviour. He had very little language and minimal comprehention at 3 years old, and we had a lot of tantrum behaviour, as well as a lot of pestering (mostly toward Devyn and his girl cousins his age). I had been trying to do some time outs, but the woman i was speaking to told me that often kids with ASD don't have the comprehensive skills to understand what it is i am trying to do, and will also forget very quickly why they are on a time out, and therefore time outs just don't work. I remember her smiling, I think it was Janel from NSAP actually, and asking me, "So how are the time outs working for you?". I laughed and said, "they're not". I'm not sure if it was Janel the first time, but i had this Triple P parenting class brought up to me a couple of times over the past year or so.
Triple P Stepping Stones is a parenting class that helps parents with kids who have special needs. There is a Triple P (no stepping stones) that is based on typical kids with behavioural issues. Stepping Stones runs once a year (maybe twice) through FVCDC here in Abbotsford. Kim is the contact person and she had phoned me after our CDC rep brought our family to her attention. The course is a 9 week commitment with 5 evenings in class and runs from 6-8:30pm. The cost is $20 and you get a work book along with the course. My husband wasn't getting home from work until 7:30pm last year, so it was just too much to ask of my family to help me out. As you know from following this blog, Marshall has come leaps and bounds over the past year and a half. Behaviours at home are manageable and we have re-introduced time outs with him over the past few months (Super Nanny style... minutes per age, hugs and sorrys afterwards) with his language and comprehension increasing and they have been working pretty well. So when Kim phoned me in August about the upcoming course this fall, i didn't really feel like i needed it anymore. I talked it over with my husband and he figured since his new job allows for him to be home before dinner time, i should just do it. This was around the same time that the topic of me going back to school to do the EA Program had come up, so i figured even just to have a Special Needs related certificate to put on my resume wouldn't hurt. (I have come to find out that they will be introducing this program into the schools in the near future, so i will be ahead of the game:)) Also, i enjoy building relationships in my ASD community using my experiences and knowledge from them, and figured perhaps i could use what i learn in this course to help others. Yes, i am aware that i sound super high on myself with this last statement. lol. I am not a perfect parent at all, but i did feel confident about the parenting that was happening currently in my home :)
The group of parents taking this class has a mix of different special needs with their children. There are about 8 of us in total including 2 women teaching the course, so it is a nice small setting that is super interactive and everyone can share openly. I sat down and recieved my book where the title states 'Triple P Positive Parenting Solutions'. I laughed to myself as i now realized that this course would be about positive parenting and thinking it funny that i never asked what Triple P even stood for. lol. I really feel like i am a positive parent. I started to wonder what the heck i was even doing here, that maybe this would all be a big waste of time. As a group we brainstormed some words that were written on the white board about what it feels like to be a parent. When the first words that were mentioned by others were: Exausted. Draining. Stressful. I thought, oh man, this is going to be really depressing before it gets better!! These words coming from these defeated men and woman were heartbreaking, but i could totally relate based on where i was a year or so ago. Yes, parenting can be all those things, but the first words that came to my mind were Rewarding and Purposeful, which i did share with the group. The course follows a video series as well and after the first 3 classes, i felt like i was an instructor in the course. I knew all of this stuff already, and like the teachers of the course, i just fail at times with actually implimenting what i know. I found myself carefully offering advice to some of the parents in situations which was kinda fun. Having gone through some of their struggles and seen success, it was rewarding to be able to contribute ideas and suggestions. The videos and discussion did offer some reminders of things i could tweek in my own parenting as well.
So, 'Mrs. I know Everything' (me) had everything crumble down on week 4 when the topic of time outs was introduced. lol. It was quite humbling. Apparently time outs are only to be used as a last resort. 'Quiet time' is the preferred discipline which is a new idea i hadn't heard of. Basically it is just sitting the child (after a warning but behaviour continues) in a spot in the same room where the behaviour happened and allowing for them to be quiet for about a minute. The course teaches that if the child is not cooperating in Queit time, that a Time out follows. Time outs should only be for a couple of minutes, not based on the childs age. When the time out has ended, there is to be no discussion except to tell the child that their time out is over. Huh. Well, i threw in my opinions and had a decent discussion with Kim trying to defend the fact that i feel discussion after a timeout is a positive thing. Marshall apologizes to me and hugs me, and i remind him about the bad behavoiur and remind him to make better choices next time, and also if he hurt someone else in the process, he is to go to them and apologize as soon as the time out is over. Marshall does all of this willingly and does not go back to repeating unwanted behaviours afterwards.
What Triple P teaches is that bringing up the 'bad behaviour' in discussion after a time out has been completed, is bringing up negativity. If i desire Marshall to apologize to me, or to his sister, i should do any talking right in the moment prior to bringing him into a time out area. Then, since there is nothing to talk about after the time out is over, it is the goal to pay close attention to your child directly after they come back into normal play, and be sure to praise any positive play (especially if they are sharing now, when before they weren't). This will make the child feel proud of their change in actions. Naturally, we all seek praise and thrive off of it, adults and kids. Ok, so all of this made sense to me and so i decided to switch it up. Oh, and i had also shared with the class that often all i needed to say was, "Marshall, do you need to go for a time out?" to get his behaviour to change. My thought was that i am asking him to make a more conscious choice about whether or not he should continue the behaviour, or if he needs to remove himself to calm down. But i was told nicely that what i am doing is simply threatening him. lol... and yeah, i guess i kinda was!
So, i have stopped asking/threatening Marshall on the time outs. I have introduced Quiet time. There has been a lot more that i've learned, or been reminded of, such as how i ask M to complete a task. My tone, my eye contact with him, giving him more 'mommy time'. I have been more cautious of what I am doing and saying, and it has made a difference :)
During our last (well 5th, so last class before the 3 week break) class, we were introduced to Planned Activities Routines. The instructors were quite excited and told us several times how this is their highlighted teaching point of the entire thing. Basically, it's figuring out what are some 'high risk' scenarios with your child, and then breaking down the leading up to the scenarios in order to better prepare ourselves, and our child for what's to come, in hopes of having greater success. So, for me right off the bat, i really only had one thing stick out to me that i would consider high risk, and that was having newer friends in our home or backyard and Marshall having to share the space and his toys. My mind went back to the gathering with some old friends and their kids and the disaster that that playdate was for Marshall this past summer. Some other scenarios that parents said were shopping, leaving playdates, playdates in general, keeping their kids occupied while their other children are involved in sporting activities. As a class, we broke down 2 mom's scenarios and everyone pitched in their ideas of how to make them a success. It was fun!! And i think we all came away feeling hope and ready to tackle our own high risk tasks!
After coming home and thinking about it some more, i came up with a high risk scenario that i don't even think about anymore, because it was so high risk, that we just stopped doing it! And that was allowing for Devyn to have a friend over for a playdate. She understands that things are complicated and is ok with going into other peoples homes for playdates, but really, it is something that she should be able to do. So during my home phone call from Kim a few days later, i shared with her that this was the scenario that i was going to tackle with Marshall. She was fully in support of this and together we came up with a plan to prepare Marshall for it. In the past, i would continue to do household things and just let Devyn know that it was best if she tried to include Marshall or he would scream the whole time. lol. Seriously though. Now remember, that was over a year ago when we tried a few times. I remember seeing her friends' faces as they were annoyed with M and his invasive and directive play. Devyn didn't mind as she is just used to having him around, but it upset me to see it, so we just stopped entirely.
So the plan was to give Marshall lots of warning both the day before, as well as the morning of the playdate. The warnings were actually upsetting him, so i backed off on them. I chose to have my one niece come over during our experiment rather than a new friend into the home. What this entire success story really depended on, was my involvement during the playdate time. In the past i would try to distract M with tv or a movie, and it never worked. The key to making these high risk scenarios successful is to do something new, something your child doesn't get to do often, something they would look forward to. And all the while, getting to spend some one on one time with you which is often its own greatest reward for the child (and for you i discovered :)) So i decided to bake cookies with Marshall.
The playdate was scheduled for a 2 hour period. Marshall was a tad upset about not getting to play in the bedroom with the girls (the rule for the girls was they had to play in the bedroom), but he got over it quickly when i started hunting and needed help to find all of the ingredients on our list from the kitchen. He did ask about the girls a few times throughout the cookie time, but i just said they were playing and Marshall was with Mommy. He didn't press more. I had also decided to make a tea party setting at the table and invite the girls to come and join us for cookies and tea once they were done. Marshall really enjoyed setting the table nice, and we added some candles which for M meant turning all of the lights out in the house :) During the baking time, i had planned to pull out the game Memory which i know he likes as he plays it with Nana often. He was into it for a brief period of time but then was being silly and not playing correctly. I decided to use the images to quiz him and to work on his speech, and he was into that so we went through all of the cards like that. It was really great to hear some of his blends that we work on daily, actually come out naturally during this activitiy without a prompt! Then when we were done, i pulled out Jenga, the block building game...'you take a block from the middle and you put it on top' :) M was really loving this game, and he even followed the rules by taking turns and rolling the dice that decided the color he had to choose, which surprised me. It was a lot of fun and we laughed a lot together... he's such a funny guy. The whole 2 hours was a success, and it was so encouraging to me to know that with a little planning and effort on my part, Devyn's world doesn't have to be altered.
You know, often when i choose to spend time with my kids at home, it's 5 minutes here or there. There is nothing wrong with that, actually, even 30 seconds of positive attention at a time throughout the day is huge for kids (promoted at Triple P). I have sat down and colored with both the kids for a longer length of time, or played a game with both of the little ones, and from time to time i will engage in hide and seek for about half an hour. But this day, setting up a full 2 hours just to spend with my son was a change, and it was amazing. When in my own head i had decided that the task was, 'successful playdate for Devyn', and my only job was to keep Marshall engaged, all of the other distractions (housework mainly) weren't even an option for me. They were not a thought in my head. I could be the Mom i wanted to be with Marshall in those two hours and i tell you, he totally ate it up. Now i know that in the future, playdates are possible for Devyn, and now Marshall will know that he gets me all to himself, and that that is way more fun than bugging Devyn and her friend :)
Things at home have been wonderful. Marshall is listening better... this was usually what the time outs were for in the past. But i know that he is listening better, because i am asking better. I am so thankful for Triple P and for Kim and Bernadette and that courses like this are offered right here in my own community. Signing up for a class like this can often shout, "I am a bad parent" "I have lost all control over my children" "Help! I have reached rock bottom." Lol. And this is embarassing and hard to admit. But I laugh because in the past, i would have judged any one of my friends or family who had signed up for a class such as this. But, then you grow up, and you show up, and you mature as a parent. You come to realize that you are far from perfect. You want to do what's best for your kids... and sometimes we need to be taught how to do that.... even when we think we know it all already. I have no shame in reaching out and accepting help, in changing the course i was on to better the life of my kids and of my own. Learning is growing, and just because we are adults, doesn't mean we know everything. I believe there is always opportunity to learn... and old dog can learn new tricks!! And as you can see, my willingness to be open to learning has benefitted not only those around me, but me, myself and i :)
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