Pardon me?!?

We don't have a lot of things with Marshall.  He is generally pretty laid back.  We know the triggers and do our best to prep him for upcoming changes or new events which helps.  There are some things that for whatever reason Marshall has in his head, need to happen his way.  Lately he has really been challenging us with behaviour following a "no, not now" or a "this is the way we are doing it". 

A few months back we started to have a fight every time we left NSAP with Marshall's refusal to say "bye" to his teachers.  Of course, because he knew we were all requiring him to use his manners and say goodbye, he would bolt the instant he was out the door and when I'd hold him back there'd be a lovely screaming fit.  We worked our way into great eye contact goodbyes by me using a reward system at home.  I shared what we were using for his reward with a few of M's BI's as well as with Janel, and everyone's reactions were similar.  With a raised eyebrow they'd say, "A preschool learning book?  Are you serious?" haha.  YES!  Oh how I loved using a learning reward that Marshall deemed fun :)  When I'd share with his teachers that he is actually doing the work in them (writing, counting, drawing, shapes, etc) and doing it fairly well with some assistance, most of them were quite surprised!  I guess for a lot of kids on the spectrum, book type learning outside of school is not a desired 'free time' activity.  I'll take it ;)

Following Marshall's proper goodbyes he would turn to me and ask, "Do my book now?"  And I would tell him that yes, we would work on it when we got home.  He was happy.  I was happy.  After a couple of weeks, there were a few times where we weren't able to work on the book after school, or we'd forget once we got home.  Marshall didn't seem to mind and wouldn't break down over forgetting or anything.  Eventually we got to a point where he stopped asking about working in his book, yet continued to say proper goodbyes.... 'the phase out' was beautifully executed and goodbyes had become very natural. Win!

It's been several weeks since this goodbye business was deemed mastered (at least in my books).  And only now that I've been reflecting when this 'new thing' started am I realizing that it started very closely following mastering goodbyes.  This seems to happen a lot in different areas.  I have heard other moms as well as teachers within my ASD community say the same thing... they finally stop doing thing #1 and now they've started doing thing #2.  I think that a lot of kids do replacement behaviour stuff, but it seems to be much stronger in kids with Autism.  We are embracing this with joy ;)

What's the new thing, you ask?  It's a nothing thing, in my opinion, but Marshall HAS to have control over what it looks like... for reasons unknown to me, and I am not backing down!  He wants me to carry his backpack.  That's it.  Marshall is happy to carry his backpack to and from preschool.  Marshall is happy to carry his backpack into Next Step.  Marshall is not happy to carry his backpack after NS and back to the car.  Huh??  It wasn't like it was a huge deal one day, it has been progressing over the past several weeks.

It started casually with him just giving me his backpack after his goodbyes, or half-asking, and us walking out together.  I wasn't bothered by this at first, but then he started kinda chucking it at me and running off... didn't love that.  At first this was actually only happening once we left the school and were walking across the basketball courts.  I started holding him from running off and telling him that he needed to ask me if he wanted me to carry it for him.  He loved this idea... not!  He would continue throw it at me or just drop it and then run off.  So my next move was to walk past it and follow him to the car.  He did not love my move.  He would start screaming and yelling at me and even crying about the backpack that had been abandoned.  Eventually he would ask me nicely or just carry it himself.  It was really fun putting on our little show day after day for all of the parents from the regular school who are waiting for their children to come out.  lol. 

Marshall is a smart kid.  After many days of this drama in the parking lot, he unexpectedly took it inside.  Knowing that dropping his backpack and running off was not a cue for me to pick it up and carry it for him, he slung it onto my arm during a conversation I was having with one of his teachers.  I didn't even register his sneaky ways until I was halfway across the parking lot, watching him run ahead of me, with this bag I 'accepted' on my arm.  lol.  The thing is, I don't mind holding his backpack for him at all, I just know that he has more than enough words to ask me to carry it, and I will accept nothing less than a simple request.  It's not hard for him to ask, he is simply wanting control and being ridiculously stubborn... to me this is more about that than not wanting to carry it himself.  Therefore, it is a battle I have chosen to pick ... and to 'fight'!!! haha.

This past Monday was 'Challenge Accepted' day.  lol.  In retrospect, I should've spent extra time talking to Marshall about what was happening after school prior to going to school.  Each day leading up to it we would have our issue and I would talk to him in the moment or in the car afterwards, and then forget about it until I went to pick him up and we were in it again.  You'd think I'd have learned by now.  lol. Oh well, continuing on...

So now I am aware of Marshall and his backpack, and more aware of my hands/arms and where they are.  Marshall comes out of class, says goodbye to his teacher, then comes over to me to sling his backpack onto me... except he can't find any loose limbs!  hahaha!!  He is not impressed, obviously.  He starts getting really mad... he is yelling, jumping, crying, and being super dramatic.  I am standing there embarrassed by his behaviour, but remaining calm and cool.  I repeat myself again and again, "You need to ask me with your words."  He tries to get away with a whining "please" but at this point that is not cutting it for me.  He then demands with all of the wonderful words he has that "I no using my words a you hold my backpack!!"  I smile and shake my head no as he continues to act out with yelling and trying to rip my arms down.  I don't cave, but after a fairly short while (like a minute or two) Marshall does and he asks me to hold his backpack for him.  Then I thank him for asking me nicely and we walk to the car... I am happy and he is angry after not getting his way. lol.
I was hopeful that it ended there, that me standing my ground would defeat the attempted victory for Marshall and that he wouldn't try again.  I was very wrong. 

Almost the exact same thing happened the following day with the same result... 2-0 Mom! woop woop!!  The staff at NSAP was aware of what was happening in the hallway, and as disruptive as it was, they just smiled and nodded...hopefully admiring my efforts somewhat, or perhaps thinking I was a terrible mother, who knows!!  lol.  I'm so past worrying about what others may be thinking, thank goodness.

Wednesday, day three... with two 'wins' in a row, I thought the message was clear.  Marshall picks things up pretty quickly and I figured we'd see less of a fight today.  Janel was speaking to me about Marshall's yearly assessment when he came out of the classroom.  I was hopeful to not see the same behaviour, especially because I was talking to Janel and that made the scenario different already.  Well...  It was bad.  Basically the same routine as the days past happened, except this time was louder and multiplied.  He jumped, he ripped at my arms, he screamed at me and screamed with his tongue sticking out.  Janel and I had just been talking about how i'd mentioned to one of the staff that we'd be seeing more tantrums and behaviours at home that all seemed to be control based.  Well, Marshall put on a show for her.  Honestly, I was shocked at how extreme this was... and then it got worse.  He started punching me and ramming me... what?  Marshall has never been violent before towards anyone, ever.  What the heck was going on here?!  Not cool.  Janel stood by (which always helps when you're dealing with a scenario such as this, an audience!) while I grabbed Marshall's fists and told him to stop hitting me.  I told him he needed to ask me with words if he wanted me to hold his backpack.  He kept hitting me.  I told Janel that this was super extreme and above anything he is ever doing at home.  She found that interesting and wondered if he was fighting harder because she was standing right there.  Maybe.  But regardless this was crazy, I couldn't believe it was lasting this long and that Marshall was so angry with me!  When will this end?  Then something new started happening... with a face full of anger and tears streaming down, tugging on my arms, Marshall started using his words alright... and even as I write this I still can't believe the things he started saying to me. :(

Marshall (with such anger and frustration):
"I a cut your eyes!"
"I a bam you all over everyfing!"
"I (s)mash your face a ground!"

I just stood there, shocked.  Where in the world would he learn this kind of language?  This is so mean and disturbing actually.  This is not coming from my son... and over a backpack?  Finally I bent down and held his face telling him it was not ok to talk like that to me or to anyone, and he stopped.  I told Janel that I had never heard him talk like that and had no idea where it was coming from.  All she said was that he must have heard other kids saying it.  Really?? I guess... but where?  What kids?  I am still so confused and clueless as to where he would have learned such things.  So, Janel left us after 10 long minutes (at least that's what it felt like) of this craziness, and I got on the ground to try and calm my son down.  He calmed down after a bit, but refused to talk about his backpack.  Then he climbed onto my lap and we sat there for a bit... he let me kiss his cheeks and wipe his tears.  I told him I loved him. We were both exhausted.  Then he stood up, picked up his backpack, and dramatically but willingly dragged it on the ground back to the car. lol. 

We got into the car, buckled up, and I decided to talk have a talk with my son even though we were already late to pick up his sister. 
It was not ok that he was screaming like that.  It was not ok that he chose not to use his words.  It was not ok that he was hitting me.  It was not ok that he said such mean things that made me sad. 
He said, "Ok Mommy, I no do dat next time". 
I said, "Good".  
And that was that. 
Daddy talked to Marshall that evening about his behaviour in a calm and gentle way, and Marshall seemed to register that it was not an acceptable way to act.

Thursday before we left for school I sat down and had a short conversation with Marshall again about his backpack and after school.  I told him that he had two choices: 
1. Ask Mommy nicely to hold it. 
2.  Carry your backpack yourself. 
I reminded him that there would be no screaming, crying, or hitting (I left out the mean words part as I thought a reminder maybe wouldn't be beneficial since it is generally not typical behaviour for him... also I am trying to pretend that part didn't actually happen).  He stated that he wasn't going to do that again.  We went to school.  When class was over Marshall came out and stood next to me.  He lifted his backpack to me and said, "Please?"  I said, "Please what?" He replied sheepishly, "Please carry my backpack?"  Of course I smiled and said, "Yes, thank you for asking me so nicely".  And off we went to the car :)

Today is Friday.  And this story was supposed to be a quick entry and once again has turned into a novel!!  Today Marshall came out of his class carrying his own backpack.  He said hi to me, told me he had a good day, said goodbye to his teacher.  We didn't talk about his backpack.  We walked towards the door and I crunched down so we could share an umbrella back to our car.  It was a wonderful walk, even in the rain :D

Is this the end of the backpack fight?  Who knows.  I'm always hopeful.  But as seems to be the norm, if it is the end, something else will creep up to take it's place in the world Marshall tries so hard to control.  Ironically, or rather, purposefully, God has been teaching me a lot about control lately.  About how Marshall, how all of my kids, are His before they are mine.  About how I need to acknowledge that God is in control of my life, to trust in Him and have peace in that.  Marshall will have many lessons learned in his lifetime, and I look forward to a day when he is aware of the peace he will be granted when he gives up control to Jesus. <3

"Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass,
it's about learning to dance in the rain."