Today's lesson: Be selfish

Yesterday i picked Marshall up from preschool and Mary, his aide, pulled me aside to chat.  She's never really done this before, so i was a little worried as to what she was going to tell me.  Mary started out by saying that Marshall had a very hard morning :(  She told me that they were making/decorating gingerbread men, and Marshall really wanted to make one for his sister Devyn, and became upset when he was told that he could only make one.  I was not surprised by this.  Marshall and Devyn share a lot and are always looking out for one another.  But, i guess Marshall couldn't let it go during class, and so the tears came, and frustration came.  Throughout the morning, he kept bringing up wanting to have a second cookie for Devyn, along with the tears.  Mary told me that they did have an extra gingerbread man, but the teachers and her were hesitant to give him one as the other children would want a second one as well.  I then also mentioned that if they did it once, then he will expect it each time and escalade with more persistance in the future.  The teachers all agreed. 

After Mary mentioned all of this to me, two thoughts that came to mind right aways.  In the past few weeks at NSAP (Next Step Autism Program) Marshall has been bringing home his food rewards in a ziploc bag (jelly beans or chocolate chips) because he has chosen to "save a wawer (later)", and to share at home with the family.  It is so sweet.  He was saving the coffee flavoured ones for Daddy "cause Daddy a love coffee!" :)  How many kids do you know who will get just 5 jelly beans and not hoover them on the spot, but ask to take them home to give them away?  It warms my heart each day to see the excitement on his face that he has something to share with us.  With Marshall having a different BI (behaviour interventionist) each day, there were some days where Marhsall's bag would come home with a sharpied label on it, and other days when it wouldn't.  Marshall would get upset if the bag didn't have any writing on it, so the teachers made a plan that sometimes they would, and sometimes they wouldn't, all to teach Marshall that it is ok for things to change.  This is something that Marshall struggles with across the board, and it is an 'autism thing' as well.  Marshall is actually really ok with sudden changes such as going shopping (he has come to love shopping and asks to go daily), or bigger planned things like that.  But what he struggles with are the little changes in routine, such as the labelled bag mentioned above, or the order in which we work on his 'S' and 'F' blend sheets at bedtime, or if someone else gets the cup of water ready for brushing teeth at bedtime.  For the most part, i don't try to break these smaller things.  But now with Marshall spending so much of his focus at preschool that morning on crying and wanting to share so badly, it needs to be addressed. 

After sharing with Mary about the bag of goodies from NSAP, i remembered this story from last week.  It brought me to tears last week when it happened, and of course, i couldn't help but cry in front of Mary as i shared it with her, realizing that this was most likely why Marshall was getting so upset about wanting to share with Devyn.  I posted it on facebook as a conversation, and so i will just cut and paste it here for you now.

In the car on the way home...

Devyn: "Mom, today we got to decorate gingerbread men, and since I don't like gingerbread, I made mine for Marshall."
Marshall (before I could respond): "Is really really nice a Marshall, Devyn!"
Me: "You two are so sweet."
Devyn then pulled out the cookie from her backpack and sadly realized that most of her sprinkles had fallen off.
Marshall's response: "Devyn hand a give a kiss."
Devyn handed him her hand which he kissed and then said, "I love a ginger man Devyn, a love it"

Ok, so now I am welling up with tears. We pull into the driveway and as they are unbuckling, Marshall says, "Devyn come a hug a ginger man (hug me), I love it a really nice."

I could not be happier to be able to tell both my kids how proud I am of their kind hearts, and how well they love eachother . Proud Mama over here right now.

 

Ahhh... now it all makes sense why he couldn't let it go when he was told that he couldn't have one for Devyn.  Marshall could have chosen to give his one gingerbread man, or as he likes to call it, "gingerman boy" to Devyn, but i guess that was just too much of a sacrifice.  lol.  He was torn, and just wanted a second cookie.  I get it. 

The preschool teachers were all giving me their sympathy faces as they said, "He just wants to share, it's so hard to tell him he can't, but that's just how it is sometimes".  I totally get it.  And i know buddy, it sucks.

 

On my way home with Marshall after preschool was over, i started to think about what i could do to help Marshall understand this concept of; sometimes we can share and other times we can't.  And it dawned on me that really, what i need for him to learn, is to be more selfish.  lol.  Selfish.  That just doesn't sit well with me!  I know that isn't quite right, but at the root of it, that is what my child needs to learn, right?  Just eat your own reward, Marshall.  Don't think about your sister when you're making cookies, just gobble it up and brag to her later about how you got a cookie and she didn't.  lol.  Maybe this is what 'normal' kids do?  Just think about themselves?  I am closest with my nieces who are my kids' age, and i can see this in them.  I don't think it makes them bad kids, but i think my kids have just learned differently.  My kids are not normal. lol.  And in this sense, i could not be happier about that. 

 

Devyn's whole life, she has adjusted to make sure that Marshall is included, that he is shown love and acceptance, and she is smart enough to know that if she asks for a second goody bag for her brother at her own friends party (embarassing, but sweet.  lol), that she will get to enjoy her bag herself, without having to share, or without being asked to share.  Don't get me wrong, there are times when i let Devyn have her own things, and help Marshall work through the saddness of that, but for the most part, they want to share with one another.  It makes me happy and proud.  Because of Devyn's tender heart towards Marshall, she desires to make him happy, and to not see him upset.  She has learned how to create harmony in our home by what she sees from me, i guess.  Danny and I have had to work extra hard in those years from 2-4 with Marshall, to figure out how to have success with him, and Devyn has been observant.  We still adjust our lives for success with this kids all the time, and i think that when the odds are against you (having a diagnosis that falls under Autism and plenty of reasons/excuses to live in chaos), you try harder and you do better to make it work.  I believe we have had so much success because of the hope that we have, as well as the daily effort to live our own kind of normal :)

 

So, moving forward, i have talked to the staff at NSAP about the goody bags, telling them that maybe between them they can figure out days when Marshall is allowed to take home his rewards to share, and days when he needs to eat them when they are recieved.  They were all on board, and i had them all laughing when i said, "I will do my best to make sure Marshall learns to be more selfish."  One of the BI's commented on how funny my choice of words is.  Really though, i think i am spot on.  I need to teach Marshall about this world we live in.  Giving, caring, and loving are all wonderful qualities, but in thinking about all of this, i can see Marshall growing up and having a lot of people walk all over him, using him for their own gain.  I could leave this all alone, knowing that he will learn these harsh life lessons at school as he gets older, or i could try to adjust a little bit at home (as much as it pains me), teaching him that sharing is 'unacceptable' sometimes.  UGH.  This back and forth conversation with myself is annoying me!!  lol. 

 

Perhaps it won't hurt anybody to just leave my sweet, sweet son for now.  Soak it all in.  Let him learn to be selfish in his own time, as i'm sure it will come.  We all have that in us... and that's the thing with autism, that so much of the social world needs to be taught.  But teaching selfishness?  I guess i have no solid plan for this lesson right now. lol.  It's hard to be excited about a game plan that teaches an undesireable characteristic.  So,  I will adjust as needed to ensure success at his schools, and that's it for now.   We shall see how Marshall's tender heart develops over time... the world can ruin him later (lol), but for the time being, i will embrace every last bit of my loving, selfless little man :)