Small Victories

Perhaps you could call me lazy,

or exhausted, i dunno.

Maybe the change to Fall and the depressing weather

that comes along with it played a part,

I'm not entirely sure.

In October, Marshall's behaviour and his yelling

seemed to be escalading.

Reflecting back on it now, i know that i was giving in

to this behaviour, giving him whatever

he wanted to stop the yelling.

I was also asking others to do the same,

specifically, his sister D.

Kids are smart, Marshall included.

If they cry/scream to get what they want just once, and you cave,

you're pretty much screwed for the future. lol.

I put down my armour and i gave up the battle.

And in doing so, Marshall's screaming became

more constant, more adament, and i found

myself just doing anything to keep him quiet.

I was semi-aware of this terrible pattern i was creating,

but my energy and efforts to change it were lost.

I'd tell myself that tomorrow i'd put an end to this,

to show Marshall that i'm still in charge here.

But then tomorrow would come with the

same battles, and i would half try, and then ultimitely,

i'd cave.

Then about mid-October, i started to notice a change in

Marshall's sister D.

She was becoming more whiney, about everything,

and crying easily.

She would come home from school and tell me that she

had cried at school and how her teacher had comforted her

and made her feel better.

Hmmm...

It got me thinking a bit.

Then one day when i picked D up from school,

her teacher asked me about D's tears,

and if i was seeing them at home as well.

I stated that yes, i had been.

The teacher talked to me about the pattern of the crying at

school. How D would fall outside during recess

and that she was barely hurt but would continue to cry.

The teacher had been comforting D,

but lately it appeared as though D was doing this

purely for attention.

Mrs. H and i talked about Marshall, about how it is not uncommon

for other children in the home to feel unheard and lack attention

when there is a child with special needs.

It's true.

Marshall's needs just come first most of the time.

We talked about how

we needed D's unwarrented tears to stop.

It was a big wake up call for me.

Don't you just love those? Wake up calls, that is.

Moments when you realize that you suck at being a parent. lol.

I was feeling very convicted...

already at home a bit, but now even more so since it

was obvious that this was affecting sweet D in all areas of her life. :(

Ok, so i chose not to sulk and crap on myself,

but rather, used this information to set up a game plan.

Enough was enough.

Things had to change.

I needed to get my shit together...

for myself, but also for the benefit of my family.

I changed my mind set,

i got my confidence back, my energy to 'fight' back,

and i put back on my armour :)

Story time.

I bought Marshall a new hoodie at the beginning of October.

It is grey with a simple picture on the front, pretty plain.

No zipper or buttons, it needed to go over his head.

Marshall has always been easy with his clothing

and will wear whatever i pull out for him.

But for some strange reason,

he would not wear this grey hoodie.

The first time i tried to put it on him,

he started screaming and yelling "NO!"

I was so put off by this that i just said "ok, ok, off!"

Then the next day i tried to show it to him

and again, screaming.

I didn't quite understand what the problem was.

He has worn his blue pullover hoodie for a year

already (randomly) without a fight,

but it's now too small.

He wears an assortment of jackets,

it's not like he only wears one and now i'm changing it up.

So i waited a few days and then i tried again. Fail.

Then i waited like a week.

This time, i didn't show it to him first.

He stood there and watched as Devyn put her hoodie on first.

The plan was to put on hoodies, socks and shoes, and

to go play in the backyard.

I bunched up the hoodie and he let me put it over his head.

But he very soon realized the hoodie that was

being put on him and he freaked out.

I kept saying "it's ok Marshall, put it on".

He starting grabbing the hoodie and was trying to rip

it off as i kept trying to put it on him,

all the while he was screaming his lungs out at me.

It was crazy!

Now he's thrown himself on the ground in a full out meltdown.

And i am laughing inside at his stubborness.

Seriously.

This was not a battle Marshall was going to win.

He refused to put it on.

So i got D ready and let her go out the slider

and into the backyard.

I held Marshall back and repeatedly told him,

"You put on your sweater, then you can go outside."

He got mad. Then he got really mad.

He threw himself into my arms and he cried.

I comforted him and kept telling him it was ok,

but he had to put on his sweater, sock and shoes,

and then he could go outside.

We sat on the kitchen floor cuddling for about 5

minutes while Marshall kept saying "outside"

and i kept calmly telling him

"Sweater. Socks. Shoes. then Outside."

I was not going to cave.

In this situation, i really looked at Marshall and his

refusal to wear this sweatshirt as typical behaviour.

I weighed everything first to make sure

that i was confident that this sweater was not a sensory

thing. Kids with Autism often are drawn to specific

fabrics, however, Marshall has only ever shown

more interest in slinky fabric like a jersey,

but he will wear anything happily.

If the hoodie was a bold color or pattern,

i might think that it was overstimulating for him,

but he rarely shows signs of having issues

with overstimulation, and this sweater is boring old grey,

so no problem there.

Basically, i decided, that there was no reason for him

not to wear this hoodie except for pure stubborness.

So we sat on the floor together.

Then after about 5-10 minutes,

Marshall stood up and started wiping his tears away with

his hands, then he said "happy".

I laughed and said "are you deciding to be happy now?"

I helped him wipe his tears.

Then he reached down and picked up the hoodie

and gave it to me to put on him.

Just like that.

The battle had been fought and won,

and Marshall was ok with that.

And i was thrilled with that!!!

It is amazing how much confidence

filled my being when he handed me that hoodie.

He helped with his arms and we got it on.

He let me put on his socks and shoes,

and out he went to play with his sister. Happy.

And i patted myself on the back.

A small victory that will set the way for the future

situations. It felt good.

When the kids were done outside, Marshall came inside

and actually chose to keep the hoodie on until

bath time later that evening.

And now, a month later,

he will randomly make a face and a little sound

of protest when i have picked the hoodie out

for him to wear, but i tell him to put it on

and he just does it.

And more often than not, he just puts it on without

any protest at all :)

This milestone day (for me) happened on a Saturday.

For some reason,

well, probably because he was running the house at home

and that spread into his school life,

he would not put on his jacket and change his shoes

when preschool was over.

All he cared about was running to the front doors of the school

to see the "pish", or rather, fish :)

This had become a struggle for a couple of weeks.

He was doing it perfectly for all of September,

but then something changed and he wouldn't anymore.

Marshall's aide even made a sequence of pictures

to show Marshall to try and get him to put on his

jacket and shoes first, but Marshall just became

angry at the sight of the pictures.

He'd come out of preschool when i arrived

and he was mad.

He'd scream and plow through all the kids

to run to the fish tank.

I had debated physically holding him back,

but Mary wanted to try the pictures

for a while.

Well, they weren't working.

And after our little battle on the weekend

and my confidence returned,

i decided to take on the fight!

When Marshall came out of his classroom after

preschool, i tackled him. lol.

I held him tight as we went to his coat and

i repeatedly said to him,

"Jacket, shoes, then fish"

He just kept saying, "pish! pish!"

Everybody else didn't matter this day.

After the picture day fiasco and my breakdown afterwards,

anything having to do with crowds has been

so intimdating to me.

But i am over that now.

Being a parent is about doing what's best for the child,

even if you have to look like a psyco to get there! lol.

I calmly sat on the floor while Marshall tried to

break free as he was screaming and crying.

Mary came over to try and calm him

but he was mad.

He ended up head butting me in the mouth

(not the first time he's done that),

and he even kicked my glasses off my face.

Lovely eh?! lol.

I sat there restraining him for quite a while,

about 10 minutes or so.

All the other kids and parents had gone.

I felt kinda bad about all of Marshall's screaming as

there are several other classrooms nearby.

But for me it was a make or break thing.

I knew that if i did anything but follow through,

i'd have 10 times the battle next time.

So there we sat, well, Marshall layed.

I told Mary to leave after the first few minutes,

that i'd be ok with him.

I knew i just had to wait it out...

that Marshall would understand that he was not

getting his way this time, or anytime soon.

There was a new boss in town, and her name is MOM!

So after our 10-15 mintues on the floor,

Marshall got up and put his jacket and shoes on.

Just like that.

He even put his inside shoes in the bin happily,

which i usually have to do.

Then we walked calmly to the fish tank and

enjoyed watching them together.

How wonderful is that?!

Every time since then,

Marshall comes out happy and eager to put on his

jacket and change his shoes,

and then we go see the fish :)

Actually, he returns his jacket picture to Mary and

even waits for me to sign him out of class now.

At home, i am dealing with his screaming

differently, and he is being receptive to it.

D is happier at home now too,

and i have been giving her lots of extra attention and praise,

and the teacher is seeing a happy child in her classroom

as well. PTL.

I have come out of my hiding place with Marshall now.

I have had so many horrific experiences at Walmart

or the grocery store with him.

In the past couple of weeks i have been taking him

places, places where he is 'free' and not in a

shopping cart, and he listens to me.

He stays with me.

When i say "no touching", he doesn't touch.

It. is. Awesome.

We took him to Ikea and he did amazing!!

As a family, we decided to take Marshall to his first

movie at the theatre a couple of weeks ago.

It could've gone so many ways...

and you just never know with Marshall.

But he surprised us all!

He waited in line to buy tickets and then popcorn,

patiently.

My son, has patience all of a sudden - how cool.

He stayed by Daddy's side through all of it

and followed every instruction given to him.

He loved the big screen.

We saw 'Puss in Boots'.

He sat in his chair perfectly,

ate his licorice and had some pop...

and then he fell asleep!! lol.

It was the time change the night before so he was

kind of wiped. Oh well.

He woke up before it was over and watched the rest

of the movie on my lap :)

Life around here is easier, because i stood my ground

on the things that were becoming harder.

And now, Marshall gets it.

There are less battles to fight.

My words mean something because i followed

through with my actions.

Parenting 101... right here in this blog! lol.

I should be charging for my words of gold! ;)

I have been afraid to post this,

but i can say it with confidence since it has been happening

for over two weeks now...

Marshall is pooping in the potty!!!

He tells me, and he goes.

Fully potty trained by 3.5 years old.

Can't complain about that!!!!!

No accidents, no mess, life is simpler.

Now when i leave my house with my kids,

i only need to take my wallet!!

A pretty huge milestone for my little man...

who is seeming less 'little' as each day passes.

************************

"My hope is in You Lord, ALL the day long!

I won't be shaken by drought or storm.

The peace that passes understanding is my song.

And i sing, My hope is in You alone."

~Aaron Shust