Hellos and Goodbyes at NSAP

In my last meeting with NS,

a couple of months ago,

Marshall's goodbyes were right on track and we had listed

that we needed to work on getting Marshall

to say an appropriate "hi" to his interventionist upon arrival

of school.

They have been doing this by coming right up to him

at the door frame and repeatedly saying hi to M

right down at his level until he looks at them

and then greets them with some type of hello,

before he could enter the room.

Marshall is a quick learner,

so after a couple of days of this routine,

M would actually wait at the door when they

would forget to purposefully greet him,

until one of them looked over and then he'd say

his hello and enter the room.

It seemed he'd mastered this.

The past week or so, he isn't saying hello anymore

and they aren't enforcing it...

perhaps just simply because we thought it was mastered,

i'm sure it will come up in conversation in the New Year.

Marshall walks into the classroom now and

become absorbed by his surroundings...

actually, i think this all started when they put their

Christmas tree up.

Marshall loves Christmas trees, and he says it

pretty clear to.

There's so much to look at and of course, all of the pretty

lights... at school, he flocks in that direction each time.

What has become an issue at NSAP

(Next Step Autism Program)

are Marshall's goodbyes.

At the end of Marshall's day his interventionist

will help him get his jacket and backpack on,

and the parents wait in the hallway for

the kids to come out.

The classroom is right near the outside door.

So what was happening was that if i was there

early and Marshall came out of the classroom,

he'd call out "Mommy!" and come over to me for

a big hug. I'd greet him and then talk to his

interventionist about how his day was.

Marshall would be eager to go outside and to the car,

so he'd run over to the door and wait impatiently for me

to finish talking.

Since August when Marshall

started this program, we'd been asking M to say goodbye

to his teacher shortly after saying hello to me.

Sometimes he would say it easily, and other times

we'd really have to prompt him to do so.

There are times when i am not early and Marshall

comes out into the hallway and waits for me.

Then when i enter he runs to the door for me

and then i try to get him to say goodbye.

Well, for whatever reason, Marshall was being

incredibly stubborn about saying goodbye

to his teachers the past month or so.

Also, because there was no goodbye plan really in place,

both Carla and Miranda were dealing with goodbyes

differently, which obviously would be

confusing for Marshall.

Carla took more of an aggressive role and was more

adament that Marshall say goodbye properly than

Miranda who would try but would accept an attempt

rather than wait for a full on eye contact goodbye with words.

I was becoming frustrated with goodbyes and there

were many times where i would somewhat restrain

Marshall in order to force him to acknowledge his

teacher with a goodbye.

Now, I don't mind restraining my son with my hands,

as you already know...

there are times where it is for his own benefit to calm him down

and to realize that one thing needs to happen before the

next thing can happen, such as him putting on his

shoes and jacket before he sees the fish at preschool.

I only had to do it a few times for him to realize that

he needs to follow my routine and not his own.

Back to NS and goodbyes...

A couple of weeks ago, i was a minute or so late to

pick Marshall up.

I walked across the parking lot to the glass doors

only to see Carla with both hands on Marshall,

restraining him in the corner by the door

trying to get him to say goodbye to her.

Marshall had seen me through the glass and was

screaming for me.

I didn't like it, not one bit.

The whole scenario was upsetting to me.

Once i opened the door,

i didn't know what to do.

There had been a few times kind of like this already,

where i wasn't sure if they wanted me to make M

say goodbye, or if they wanted him to acknowledge their

prompting. So in this scenario, when it started

before i even got there, it kinda pissed me off to be honest.

It was upsetting to me.

I got down to Marshall's level and let Carla continue to

restrain him, not sure if i should take over like i

wanted to, or to stand back watching my son

reach out for me, calling to me, and just stare back at him.

Well, in that chaotic moment, i just went along

with Carla and told Marshall (begged him with my eyes)

to just say goodbye to Carla.

Eventually Marshall did say goodbye and then bolted

into my arms crying.

That was hard... for both of us.

Now, i don't want to make Carla out to be some kind of bully

or meany or whatever... she's not.

Even in her restraint, she continued to smile

at Marshall in her prompting and her voice was not

super stern or anything like that.

They have many kids in their program who are all

different. In talking with Miranda i realize that not

only are the kids each individuals in their common label

of Autism, but each parent is different as well.

This scenario of goodbyes wasn't pleasant for me,

and i wasn't sure what i wanted to change at first,

but it was the first time that i really questioned

their methods... but in all fairness,

there was no plan in place for this scenario.

I came home that night and talked to my husband about

it and i had already decided that the next day

i was going to bring this topic up.

I do understand that Marshall

needs to learn to say appropriate goodbyes when

leaving, i don't fight that.

But i would prefer it if I was the one to make him do it,

if I was the one to hold onto him and force it.

So the next day i took Marshall to school

and he had Miranda that day, so we chatted for a bit.

Ironically, both Miranda and Carla had already

talked about the goodbye situation and

she started to talk to me about it first.

I told her that i was just going to mention that i wanted

there to be consistancy so we were all on

the same page.

I then explained to Miranda that i was uncomfortable

with the way Carla was in Marshall's face

while restraining him for a goodbye, and how

from now on i'd prefer it if i took the reigns and controlled

that scenario.

Miranda stated that it is always great to talk with the

parents as each parent is different.

She said that many parents in this situation would

want the interventionist to be firm with their

child. Well, i guess i'm not like most... and i'm ok with that.

I left that conversation feeling good.

Miranda acknowleged my request and said she

would pass it onto Carla and did not state that me taking

over was of any concern to Marshall's well being

or anything like that.

That day, Janel (she runs the NSAP and is also a BI)

was seeing Marshall for a review.

When i came to pick Marshall up she wanted to chat.

She had talked to Miranda

and she had some thoughts of her own on the goodbyes.

She's the boss there and i do value her thoughts

and opinions.

She told me that she understood that i was upset with

the way the goodbyes were being handled.

She asked me,

"Are you going to be there Marshall's whole life to make

him say goodbye?"

I stated that no, i wouldn't, but that no one else would

ever get in Marshall's face and restrain him until he

said goodbye either,

and i felt that that was just as valid of a point.

I said that only in this program will M have forced

goodbyes, so i thought that my scenario

of me controlling it would serve a better purpose

across the board for Marshall right now.

Janel didn't really argue my point.

She understood that there is a lot of chaos at the door

and that Marshall is always very eager to see me,

so her new plan was that the interventist would

ask Marshall to say his goodbyes to them at the coat

rack, before leaving the classroom

and that they would gradually say goodbye

closer and closer to the door.

This worked for me, so it was the plan.

The next day, Marshall said goodbye to his teacher without

a fight at the coat rack, and then when he

comes out of the door and sees me, it's

only happiness :D

I still encourage him to say goodbye again to his teacher,

as that is the long term goal,

and often he does very naturally and with a smile.

Reflecting on it now,

i'm sure that Marshall just knowing that he was going

to be forced to say goodbye at the door,

started fighting it before we even started to prompt him.

It's been about a week or so and the new plan working well :)

Now, another issue that was

arising, possibly due to the harshness of the goodbye

at the door with his teachers, Marshall has been

requesting extra hugs and kisses from me when i am

leaving him at school.

It's not that he doesn't want me to leave, he loves school

and his teachers are awesome.

I have no doubts in their methods when i'm not there,

and daily i am getting reports of Marshall having a

great day :)

I recommend this program to everyone i come into contact with!

Slight sidetrack, but i don't want you to think

that i have doubts about Marshall being in their care.

I am happy that any issues that do arise are

being talked about and that i am included

in every conversation

to ensure that Marshall moves in the right direction :)

Back to my story...

We have always had one embrace goodbye

and then Marshall excitedly waves and says goodbye to

me as i walk out the door.

For whatever reason,

about a month or so ago, Marshall has started

calling out "hug!" and running after me as i walk out the door.

As a parent, how can you deny that?!!

So i'd give him his extra request for love before i'd leave.

His teachers had not been saying that this wasn't

something that i should be doing, so it became the new

routine for Marshall.

But, after a few weeks of doing this, i guess Marshall was

becoming upset after i'd leave and was saying that he

wanted "mommy - hug" and sometimes even getting

upset about it. So now it was a problem.

So Janel talked to me in the same conversation

about how Marshall and i can have as many hugs and kisses

as we need for one embrace, or rather, in one spot,

but that once i got up to walk out the door,

that we would break the cycle of M coming for more hugs.

I joked about how they were asking me to deprive my son

of love! lol. But i understand and accept that it

was affecting his play and learning for a period

of time after i leave, and that it needed to stop.

Janel stated that i should continue to walk

out the door when Marshall requests,

which i did, and M understood very quickly

and adjusted well to this.

Marshall's teacher would state,

"Mommy will come back for more hugs and kisses later"

and that was always nice to hear them say

as i turn my back on my son, it made it easier for

those couple of days.

After just a few times of following through with walking away,

i am now able to look back and wave and shout i love yous

back to Marshall without him running after me,

which is what we were doing before the extra hugs

started.

So, with a little adjusting to Marshall's routine,

we have given M more opportunities to succeed,

which makes me happy,

and Marshall is happier knowing what is expected of him too :)

On a different topic...

During my conversation with Janel that day,

she said to me,

"I understand you have a blog about Marshall?"

This threw me off as i haven't told any of the staff

about this blog! I responded with, "Yes, how do you

know that?" and all Janel said was that

she has her sources, as she laughed.

Then Janel proceeded to ask me if it would be ok

if she sent the link to my blog to a family in the

program who was struggling with the Autism diagnosis of their child.

Wow. I felt quite honored and humbled.

I told her that of course, this blog is for anyone who

wants to come along in our journey, and

that she could pass it on to anyone who might benefit

from reading it.

Thinking about this afterwards, it really made me happy.

It is in large part due to my Faith that i have a

positive spin (for the most part) on this whole Autism thing,

and how cool is it that my story, Marshall's story,

is being used as inspiration to others who are struggling.

Pretty cool.

I will state one thing that we are also working on with

Marshall a lot right now, and that is his impulse to

call everyone Mommy.

If i stop Marshall and ask him who he is looking at,

or trying to talk to,

he knows and will call most by name.

But "Mommy" has become the his words for,

look at me, i need your attention, whoever you are!

It's not uncommon for kids to do this,

and after all, M has only been calling me Mommy

for about 6 months now.

He'll figure it out soon enough, that he needs to

focus more on who he is talking to.

It's so crazy how stinking hard Marshall has to work

on every little thing just to be 'normal'.

It's exhausting for me to think about sometimes,

and i can't imagine how hard it must be

on his brain all the time.

We love you Buddy and are so proud of how

far you've come in just 6 months!!

What an incredible journey we are on.

Marshall had his last day of 2011 at NSAP

yesterday. In the New Year

there will be a few changes.

Janel has added another time slot to benefit

those in full day Kindergarden, so there is

now a 3-5pm time slot.

It seems like an incredibly long day to have your

5 year old in school all day and then 2 extra

hours at NS each day.

But it's a great program, and when our time comes,

we will probably do it too.

Right now, the parents whose children are in Kindergarden

take their kids out at lunch time and bring them to the

afternoon class from 1-3pm.

We'll see how the next couple of years pan out

to know what will be best for Marshall.

Due to this new time slot, they have adjusted

Marshall's class by 15 minutes.

This affects us greatly because right now, i pick

M's sister up early on the days she has school

in order to get Marshall on time.

This 15 minutes puts me in a position of needing to

switch the pickup order.

I have avoided bringing M to ACS when he doesn't

have preschool as the meltdowns are more than

i can physically handle.

But now, every time i have to pick D up from school,

I'll have Marshall with me... so that will

be an adventure all in it's own. :S

But, a routine he will hopefully accept quickly!

Another change they are doing at NSAP in the New Year is that

instead of having the same interventionist,

(Marshall has 2 but most kids have the same one

daily), Janel wants to try rotating the interventionists

so each day, Marshall will have a different one.

There are pros and cons to this structure,

but i think Marshall will do just fine.

We shall see!