Marshall has 2 older sisters. B is 12 years old and is his half sister who spends time in our home every 2 weeks for a 5 day stretch. My husband and i have 2 kids together. D is 4, about to be 5 in fall and then there's Marshall who just turned 3.
Today D had her last day of preschool and they had the finale in the park and siblings were invited. My sister and her daughters would be there, so when my Mom offered to come along and help, i declined. I wanted to say yes, but i was having one of my 'I am strong and can handle it' kind of days and I wanted to prove to myself that i could do it. I wanted to prove to myself that Marshall would be manageable in a new setting, an open space, with many spectators. Well, looking back on the day, declining my Mother's help was a BIG mistake!
The first while the kids just had free play in the playground which was great for me as that's where Marshall wanted to be playing. I really have to watch him closely though as he really has no sense of danger and will run right into the nearby parking lot without blinking. D was playing with her cousins so that allowed for my attention to be on M.
Then the teachers called over all of the kids to come and play some games in the field. This was when things got... stressful. I was hopeful that Marshall would come and join in, even if it was in his own way. The teachers are great and they know M already so i knew if he was acting out a bit, they'd understand. Well, i tried to lure Marshall away from the playground but he wasn't having any of it.
I could barely see the kids in the field and i was upset as i was really missing everthing that D was doing. This day was supposed to be about her, and having fun with her and here i was, with Marshall. Guilt set in. My sister has said to me often that i am really so blessed to have a child like D, when i have a child like Marshall. My sister is right. D is so easy going and just wants to have fun with those around her. She never once looked over or got upset that i wasn't there at the finish line, or that my presence in that area wasn't available. I knew my sis was taking photos so for that i was very thankful, and i am happy to look at these photos at the end of the day with D and to experience and re-live the excitement and fun that i just wasn't able to enjoy with her in the moment. D holds no grudges. She understands... without really understanding at all. I believe she is God's special gift to us.
I mentioned to my mother in law this topic of having D as Marshall's sister and how blessed i feel to have this 'match made'. I shared with her just how upset i felt that i couldn't take part in her day, but how content and happy D was anyways. My mil said to me, "D is so secure in your love, that's why." That really touched me... and i hope that it's true for D, and that she will always know that she is loved unconditionally, regardless of my actual presence. I'm sure there will be many more days where the focus will have to shift to M, and for now, i am just so happy that D is ok with that.
The parachute. My new enemy. Lol. Marshall loves the parachute, but he doesn't understand it. He wants to climb on top of it (which he did), and under it (which he did at the wrong times). M did come over to the field where the kids were at near the end of the party, but he wanted to do what HE wanted to do, and I become very lost when his temper flares up like it did and he won't let down. I had to keep telling him "no". Marshall was MAD. I was trying to show M how to play with the parachute... like how ALL the other kids were doing it, properly. He had his own agenda. And when Marshall doesn't get what he wants.. he gets mad. Mad for M right now looks like screaming.... a LOT.... and LOUDLY... at the top of his lungs. I had an audience of preschool parents this day, which makes everything harder. I think that perhaps it felt harder because of the actual diagnosis. I was flashing forward to how this behaviour and our challenges aren't just going to go away, but are a reality and will take work and time now. I felt like the worst parent in the world with all those eyes on me, not being able to have any control over my child. I wanted to yell at those parents... with their judging eyes and sideways looks at eachother. I wanted to shout, "Stop f*$%ing judging me and my son because i'm doing the best that i know how, and his best right now is lost somewhere in a major lack of communication and understanding. I'm struggling right now. Support me!!" But of course, i didn't. It was a hard day. I held back the tears at the park... as i often do in public when i feel them coming on. There have been a lot of hard days lately, and they seem to be coming more and more frequently.
But.... i KNOW that M will get better. I KNOW that he will learn. I KNOW that communication will improve. I have to have HOPE and FAITH in a future that looks bright. I just have to.
So there you have it. A party that was anything but that for me. My life, our life as a family, revolves around Marshall right now. We will celebrate the good moments as those outweigh the not so good moments. HE knows that this is gunna make me STRONGER (Mendisa). I love my kids for who they are. Unconditionally. Just as Christ loves me.
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