Picture Day

Today was picture day at ACS, Marshall's preschool.

Last night we picked out the clothes for the morning.

This morning i got up and ironed M's button

up shirt and put gel in Marshall's hair.

I fought with M to get the sleep out of his eyes and

to give his teeth a last minute brush.

He was ready.

He looked handsome... he is handsome!

Off to preschool we went

and the transition of leaving him went well as usual.

Picture taking and Marshall are a bit

of a hit or miss.

I was hopeful this morning.

I wouldn't be there, which sometimes is a good thing.

He would have Mary to guide him,

and a row of other kids to watch and to

follow by example... or so i thought.

I went to pick up Marshall from preschool and the

teachers let me know that the photographer

was late and that i needed to take

Marshall downstairs to the Art Room to get

his photo taken.

Hmmm. Ok.

Mary was with us and I asked her to come along

as perhaps he would take her guidance better

than my own since that is what he is used to

at preschool.

Marshall came out of his classroom and

wanted to change his shoes.

He understands routine... he lives for routine

i have come to realize.

Both Mary and I tried to guide Marshall to "walk" with

us down the hall, but he was confused.

He wanted his outside shoes on.

Mommy's here, it's time to go home.

Marshall was getting quite upset and was yelling

in frustration.

He was adament about his backpack and he

finally came along with us without changing his shoes,

but with his backpack in tow.

He held my hand as we headed down the stairs.

Mary told me that the only time they

go downstairs is to go to Gym time (which M loves)

so this might be even more confusing for him.

It was.

We found the Art room and Marshall was not happy.

There was a line of parents and children so about

5 kids in front of us.

Marshall had to wait, which as you know by now,

is not an easy task.

I stood holding him, knelt restraining him, tried to quiet him.

I was having a hard time.

Each and every parent in front of us stood proudly

beaming at their child who was sitting

on the box, smiling away, listening to instructions

from the photographer....

Then it was Marshall's turn.

He was laying on the ground screaming as i tried to

get him to come over to the box to sit.

Mary was trying to talk to him as well.

He became interested in the camera equipment

so i had to try and get him away from touching

or picking up anything... which made him madder.

Then he ran over to the paper rolls and started

pulling at them.

There was a long line of parents and children behind us.

I felt my tears coming,

but thankfully i held them back.

I brought M back to the camera area and he refused

to sit or to cooperate at all.

Then he ran over to a large desk and crawled underneath...

Mary and i got on the ground and tried to lure him out.

He wouldn't come.

I gave up.

Mary spoke to the photographer about when re-takes

were and then told me that next time she

would try to bring him in first thing

to get him comfortable with the space first.

Re-takes are on the 18th of next month...

i have been waiting for these photos to be over

to shave M's head.

It's getting harder to wash and too shaggy to gel.

Another 3 weeks... *sigh.

Once i told Marshall we were all done and could go,

he came out from under the desk and happily

walked back up to the stairs and to his classroom

where he could change his shoes.

We got out to the van and he started screaming

again, which he has been doing for

reasons i don't understand,

whenever we get outside and walk to the car from preschool.

I usually have to carry him screaming as he tries to

break my grip.

Then i have to force his seatbelt on and he (and I) is so

worked up from screaming and crying that

he wants my hugs,

which i give him once he's buckled.

We sit there hugging...

and today, i let myself cry in my sons arms.

I'm not sure i understand why i am so emotional over this today.

I can't even type this out right now without crying.

I know Marshall will get there in time.

But today, i wanted him 'there'... now.

Why can't he just wait like all the other kids?

Why won't he stop screaming?

Why won't he just sit on the seat and look at the camera?

Why can't he understand?

Why can't he be normal?

Why???

God, why is this Your choice for me....

for Marshall...

why do You think i can do this?

I don't feel strong enough for this.

Today it feels too hard.

Giving up is not an option....

and right now i need strength that i cannot

grasp on my own.

I knew that M getting his picture taken in such a formal

way could very well be a disaster,

so it doesn't really make sense that after this morning,

i feel so overwhelmed

at the thought of being the mother of a child with ASD.

I don't have mini-meldowns often, but today, i am.

I have been told that it is natural to have

days where you mourn the loss of having a normal child...

and i have thought that that was somewhat ridiculous.

But today i get it.

Today i'm there.

And i am thankful that tomorrow is a new day.

My kids are my life and i love them

more than words can say.

I am their Mom, and i am so blessed to be.

I will do everything i can to give them the best

life possible.

God give me strength.